“One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began”
So here I am. Beginning. I have left the stage of my life that centers around school, I have left my boyfriend of two years, and soon I will leave this country. So many endings are converging, wrapping around each other and forming a coil for me to balance on. Some days I cry with the twisting ends and feel myself constrain between the strands. Other days it’s as if I have already let go, and I look back to see the wire begin to rust and weaken like the tips of old onion greens.
Now I sit alone with so much emptiness that is slowly transforming into incredible space. In her poem “Blue Iris”, Mary Oliver writes:
my heart panics not to be, as I long to be, the empty, waiting, pure, speechless receptacle.
Sometimes one must be empty before becoming fulfilled. Sometimes one must wait before running breathlessly toward the answer. I am letting go of the panic of wanting to be a certain way. I am learning to accept that my dreams may change and the vision of my future may wobble until it comes to focus on a new light. With these lessons I begin again, and already excitement is growing inside of me.